I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay