The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
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When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.