My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
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Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.