I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
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My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
the short answer to this question
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.