There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
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If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”