Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
In case you needed to hear it:
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right