I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
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If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one