Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
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respect
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
What the hell happened in there??
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “