Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
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{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada