Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
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In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Follow me for more fitness tips.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex