The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”