BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
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It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Thrilling chase underway
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see