The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
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Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”