Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.