For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
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I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Danger is very dangerous
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”