If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
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*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.