What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
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Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?