Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
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“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
My birthstone is kidney
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.