Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Butt weight. There’s more!
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey