Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
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“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.