New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
You Might Also Like
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
me putting things at the top of cabinet is top tier self hatred
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.