Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
She: I like Cats
He:
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff