This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
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*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
[zombie apocalypse]
Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*