“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
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I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“What movie?” 🤔
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…