WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*