“I’m afraid you need to keep shoes on in the library.”
“Or else?”
“You’ll be asked to leave.”
“I don’t care.”
“Also I will summon the power to disappear the sun from the sky for several minutes.”
“Fine, I’ll put ’em on.”
“Thanks. …I uh, I may do the sun thing anyway, just FYI.”
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Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof