***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
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You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
*3.5 thank you very much.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
Wait for it
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work