one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.