I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
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[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
ME: I’ll see you in a month
WIFE: Don’t forget to write
ME: It’s highly unlikely I’d forget such a basic skill, Sharon
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“OMGJK” -atheists
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo