[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
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Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)