Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
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A woman drives into a bar.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos