why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.
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{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
never deleting this app.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.