Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
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A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
checking out some reviews of my local library
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza