[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.