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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Not all heroes wear capes….
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
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