BETRAYAL
You Might Also Like
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
This is my favorite one of these!
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.