Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
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Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
love it when they get my name right
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game