I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
You Might Also Like
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Please do it!
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!