When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
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Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?