Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
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I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Put this video in the Louvre
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”