I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
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If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great