2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
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I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change