Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
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“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.