One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
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When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”