he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
You Might Also Like
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
“Come out of your shell” they said.
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
How animals would run if they were human
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.