People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
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wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
channeling her this year
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
Oh my God.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon