Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
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choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.