It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
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[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out