My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that