Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
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I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
My brain is a bad influence on me
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.